In the Season Four premiere of The Bear, a lot of steps are taken to contain the chaos that even Carmy (Jeremy Allen White) admits to Sydney (Ayo Edebiri) he doesn’t like. Cicero (Oliver Platt) and his business manager “Computer” (Brian Koppelman) let the chefs, and general manager Sugar (Abby Elliott) know exactly what their financial situation is: The Bear has precisely two months of runway to start turning a profit; a 1,440-minute countdown clock may not decrease anyone’s stress about it, but at least it’s making expectations starkly clear.
Richie (Ebon Moss-Bachrach) has hired the front-of-house staff from Ever, the restaurant where he did his apprenticeship back in Season Two; they’re establishing new kitchen practices to smooth the process. These are fine first steps, but I’m not seeing the one I think could make the greatest difference in the shortest time: Scream Jar.
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This concept is modeled on a time-tested device: the Swear Jar. When someone is trying to put curbs on their profanity, they might consent to abide by the rules of a swear jar, such that any time they utter an expletive, their punishment is to drop a pre-established sum of money into the jar. This device was memorably used on The Simpsons in the Season Three episode “Bart The Lover,” after Ned (voice of Harry Shearer) — horrified that his sons have picked up some objectionable new vocabulary from overhearing Homer (Dan Castellaneta) over the fence. Homer takes on the challenge, to great success.
Cursing isn’t a problem on New Girl, but acting douchey is — hence the novel variation of the Douchebag Jar, normally a penalty incurred by douchiest roommate Schmidt (Max Greenfield).
On Prime Video’s recent Clean Slate, about trans daughter Desiree (Laverne Cox) working on reconnecting with her estranged father Harry (George Wallace), the Pronoun Jar gets so much play that Desiree uses the proceeds to give Harry a complete man cave makeover, including a brand-new TV.
The sitcom evidence is clear: Jars work. And since the biggest contributor to the discord between staffers at The Bear is the cacophony that comes from everyone screaming at each other — so much yelling, so much of the time — that Cicero’s next move should be the imposition of Jar Law. If Computer knows where to get a gigantic clock that counts down from the thousands of seconds, surely he knows where to get a decibel meter with an alarm that goes off when conversation crosses into argument and rises above the level of the standard kitchen din.
Set off the alarm? Put in a dollar. You know what, actually? Put in $5, so that it really stings. Have you set off the alarm four times this week? Guess what: Now your fine is $20. People who grew up in households as loud as Carmy’s — and, based on the volumes he can hit now, presumably Richie’s — might think they’re so permanently scarred by their upbringing that change isn’t possible. Once they start having to come into The Bear with a roll of $50s, they might realize it actually is.
Naturally, I understand that The Bear isn’t real, the season’s already filmed, and if everyone at The Bear wasn’t yelling, then The Bear would be a completely different show. I just wish it wasn’t so. Because if they could institute a Scream Jar that worked: Great! Everyone can work in relative peace and serenity. And if it didn’t: maybe it could raise enough cash for another month’s worth of runway.
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