Wimbledon Trying To Excite Us, But The Ball Still Just Goes Back And Forth All Day

LONDON—As the prestigious tennis event entered the quarterfinals, unenthused sources confirmed Tuesday that although Wimbledon continued to try to excite us, the ball still just went back and forth all day. “We really wish we could get excited by the ball going back and forth, but it’s simply not happening,” said shrugging tennis fan Gerald Firth, who spoke on behalf of everyone else in the crowd at the Grand Slam tournament, as well as those watching the matches on TV at home and anyone who happened to stumble across the purportedly thrilling highlights on news outlets around the world. “The same two guys hitting the ball there, then there, then there, then there, on and on for hours, despite ample opportunities for the ball to go somewhere else. Try two balls, maybe? Anything that isn’t one side, and then the other side. We get the impression that we’re supposed to think playing on grass is cool or something, but that’s not really doing much for us in the way of entertainment. Then, even if we do manage to muster some excitement during the match, we’re not allowed to show it with clapping or cheering. We’re just kind of sitting here waiting for something to happen.” At press time, sources reported feeling briefly enthused by the prospect of a frozen lemonade from a Wimbledon vendor, but their indifference quickly returned after they deemed the concession totally overpriced.