COLUMBUS, OH—In an effort to come clean about the storied history of the brand, White Castle released a statement Tuesday confirming its sliders were the result of centuries of inbreeding. “Years of burgers procreating within the same bloodline have resulted in the square shape and diminished size of White Castle’s signature sliders,” read the statement, which went on to denounce the outdated royal practice but defend the differently shaped patties as “still burgers, and therefore worthy of respect.” “You have to understand, when the White Castle lineage began in 1921, it was a different world. Burgers were subjected to arranged nuptials, chosen by their meat grade to breed with others of a similar status. ‘Sliders’ actually originated as a derogatory slur for the malformed offspring of related burgers, marked by the unique oniony smell of the White Castle ancestry. Anyway, it’s $4.99 for a six-pack of them.” At press time, White Castle came under fire for the experimental breeding techniques they allegedly implemented to create chickens in a ring shape.
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