What Reddit Users Can Expect Now That The Company Is Public

This isn’t pornography. This is erotic art. It’s like removing a Caravaggio because it depicts the human form in all its pathos and glory. Fucking awful.

Reddit will begin charging users $0.30 for every word they write in a comment, with the bright side being that every 10th word is free.

A major disappointment for Redditors who preferred the print version of the popular forum, Reddit will now go the way of Seventeen and InStyle and be online only.

No more illumination for you in the already gloomy world. Darker and darker and darker…

There’s even a heated pool on the roof! Not Olympic size, but still! It’ll be great for parties.

In an effort to increase revenue and its user base, Reddit will be heavily promoted on Reddit in hopes of increasing traffic to Reddit.

The popular subreddit will be shuttered without explanation, prompting much confusion.

It just sounds more business-y, you know?

The Reddit mascot was not in compliance with newly instituted office dress codes and was threatened with immediate termination if it didn’t dress up for potential investors.

Redditors can expect to see an uptick in death threats and sexual harassment in their personal message inboxes from advertisers like Amazon Prime, Verizon, and Cheez-Its.

Sorry, every device used to type on Reddit now belongs to its shareholders.

And the r/MASH subreddit could not be more thrilled.

If you’d like to harass women on the new Reddit, you’ll have to pay a $15/month sexual predator fee.

The banned words will range from traditional vulgarities like “fuck” and “bitch” to “idiot,” “hate,” “gay,” and “hump.”

The only way to be sure that the community guidelines are followed is to have CEO Steve Huffman comb through each of the billions of comments on the millions of subreddits one by one.

Hey, if it’s profitable, then it’s profitable.

Once Reddit goes public, Satan will return on his horse and ensure that every living person on the face of the earth is vanquished and dragged down to hell for all eternity.

In order to verify their identity and confirm they are over 18, users will have to mail a single pube to Reddit HQ.

All users’ burning questions about Planters’ all-new rosemary and sea salt cashews can finally be answered.

Suddenly, the fun and joy you originally felt while using a website that really felt it was made for people like you by people like you will be gone forever, only to become a distant memory.

Regardless of whether the website is public or private, Reddit will forever be a terrible conglomeration of some of the worst people on the planet.

The community page for people who refuse to masturbate will be worth more than the biggest investment you’ll make in your entire life.

Should it go public, the fewer than a dozen members on the website might have to allow their small, intimate community to expand.