MILWAUKEE—Following the chaotic events of the past 48 hours, former President Donald Trump reportedly rewrote his Republican National Convention acceptance speech Monday to remove all mentions of never having been shot in the ear. “My track record of never having gotten shot in the ear was very good, and was unfortunately the centerpiece of my speech for Thursday night,” said Trump, who expressed frustration to reporters after admitting he had been forced to completely overhaul his keynote address. “I tried to cut all the mentions of how I’ve gone my whole life without a bullet making contact with either of my ears, but it didn’t really flow after that. Plus, it was too short. About 50% too short. It’s a real shame, because it was one of the most brilliant speeches ever about having intact ears.” At press time, Trump hinted that the crux of the speech was now about how he thanked God that he turned his head to check out a hot attendee’s rack.
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