“I am 18.”
“Damn, how old is your date—14? She looks way too young for you.”
Duh? That’s the whole point.
“I figured out how you made the Statue of Liberty disappear, and I’m going to tell everyone.”
Buddy, that’s a clear violation of the magician’s code.
“Oh, so you’re one of those serial pedophiles everyone is talking about.”
They have other interests too, you know.
“I’m a baby.”
Don’t be a tease with that adult diaper bullshit.
“Do you have any recommendations for Epstein island? I’m thinking of taking my honeymoon there.”
They mostly just left their itinerary up to a concierge named Ghislaine.
“You’re lucky. None of the sex traffickers I buy from are billionaires.”
Instead of being envious of others, try practicing gratitude by being thankful you are part of the flesh trade at all.
“I’m filling in for Jeff until they find a new pedophile ring leader.”
Bring it up if you want, but get ready to have your phone blow up at all hours of the day and night.
“Holy shit, aren’t you Japanese prime minister Shinzo Abe’s assassin?”
Dude, can you just play it cool for once in your life?
“I prefer to have sex with extremely old people.”
You two have nothing in common.
“Is Ghislaine single?”
Yes, she is. But you’ll have to work harder than that to get her secret prison cell number.
“Hello, as your new neighbor, I am required to inform you that I am a registered sex offender.”
Yeah, yeah, yeah, they already know the spiel by heart.
“You look just like him, you know.”
Shut up, or you’ll blow his cover. You can’t believably fake a death more than once.
“It’s okay. I believe you’re innocent.”
That’s just going to make you come off stupid.
“Huh, I didn’t know Jeffrey Epstein sponsored 12-year-old Harvard researchers!”
That’s the child sex worker, dummy!
“Shabadaba-deep-dop-biddly-bop-boo.”
You can probably show off your scatting abilities somewhere better than outside an arraignment.
“Wow, that all sounds amazing! Can I still sign up?”
Unfortunately, the window to participate in this particular trafficking network has closed.
“I’ll give you three cigarettes for your bag of Whole Shabang chips.”
That’s a bullshit deal, and Ghislaine knows it.
“Who was the first in line to the Austro-Hungarian throne before Archduke Franz Ferdinand?”
Crown Prince Rudolf, who committed suicide, thus opening the path to Franz Ferdinand’s ascension. But couldn’t you have looked this up on Wikipedia or something?
“I am not wearing a wire, nor have I ever worn a wire.”
A little redundant. Why not just go with “I never wear wires.”
“Did they have good snacks on Epstein’s island?”
They had Fruit Roll-Ups and Go-Gurt, but that was more for the billionaires than the teenagers, surprisingly.
“I’m a 40-year-old woman with a sense of self.”
This is like shoving garlic in a vampire’s face.
“Do you like ice cream?”
What a silly question. Everybody loves ice cream.
“Are you going to kill yourself, or do I have to do it for you?”
It’s precedent to smother them in their sleep and make it look like suicide.
“When is ‘Gutsy’ season 2 coming out?”
If you want Secretary Clinton to do a Q&A, that’s going to cost an extra $50,000.
“No, I do not consent.”
“Your penis is small.”
It looks a lot bigger next to a 14-year-old, okay?!
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