Few things are more frightening for parents than raising a rude and entitled child. Younger kids just say whatever is on their minds, so you can change their behavior by letting them know that their words can hurt people’s feelings. But when kids get older and know better, many go through a phase where they challenge their parents and teachers by seeing how far they can push things by being inappropriate.
Once kids are intentionally rude, you’ve got to nip it in the bud before it becomes an ingrained part of their personality.
This is a challenging phase for parents because there are many ways to respond to a child’s rude comments. You can ignore them and hope they stop because their behavior isn’t getting them any attention. Or you can react and show them that being rude can get a rise out of someone.
A group of teachers has come to the aid of anyone who wants tips on handling their child’s rude behavior. A Redditor who is a teacher having difficulty dealing with rude students asked the teachers’ subforum for help and they shared many creative and effective ways to handle the situation. “I like kids, but they can definitely be brutal. I’m rather sensitive, but I don’t know what to say to kids that insult others/me besides ‘that’s not nice’ or ‘that hurts people’s feelings,’” the teacher wrote in the post.
The responses showed that there’s more than one way to handle a rude child, whether it’s a witty comeback or digging down deep and talking with the child about the root cause of their anger.
Here are 9 ways teachers say they deal with kids acting rude.
How do I stop my kid from being rude?
1. Quick comebacks
“I have kids of my own so I have years of experience either with great comebacks or just agreeing with them. I had a student tell me I’m annoying. I told him that I guess he better hurry up and finish what he was doing so I could stop annoying him. I had one tell me I was fat and I replied all the better to squish him with.”
“So my first year teaching… One day, I wore an empire waist shirt that I loved. And this asshole in the back of the classroom, who’s been a jerk all period, goes, ‘Yo, Miss! Are you pregnant?’ To which I turned around and replied, ‘No I’m just fat. Can we please move on now?’ He never gave me problems after that. (I did throw out that shirt, tho.)”
“I found the best way to deal with rude students is to evenly inform them exactly how their behavior comes across, and ask them if that was their intention. They’re usually too surprised you aren’t being reactionary to lie.”
2. Explain why
“I had a little one (1st grade) poke my stomach and ask if I was pregnant. My aid gasped and I chuckled. I told him I was not pregnant and, while it did not hurt my feelings, that asking that question could hurt some people. When he asked why I told him it makes people feel like you think they are fat and some people can’t have babies and it really hurts them because they want babies but can’t have them. He hugged me and said sorry. He then told his friends not to ask people if they were pregnant because it hurts them. I have found calmly telling children why it is rude helps. This doesn’t work as well with older kids though.”
“Depending on what is being said, I usually tell them what they said is rude and that’s not how we talk to people. So if they say you’re fat, you say it’s not kind to comment on someone’s weight or size, don’t do it again. It’s ok to tell them they’re being rude and to use their manners. Kids of all ages are capable of understanding that.”
3. Consequences
“Tell them they are free to say whatever they want, but they should recognize that there are consequences as well. For example, people won’t want to be friends with someone who is rude!”
4. Think sheet
“I don’t know what the consequence structure at your school is but for my school we would typically do a ‘think sheet’ if something like that happens. Kid has to write about how what they did was wrong and how to not do it again. Parent gets an email home and the sheet gets added to the kid’s file.”
5. Get to know them
“If rude behavior is something that you’ve been dealing with all year, I’d also make a point to focus on the kids who are the worst at having bad attitudes and getting to know them better. Try spending a few minutes a day with them and get to know them, once they realize you care about them, they may be more inclined to be polite.”
How to respond to a rude child
6. Are you trying to hurt me?
“Honesty is the best way. ‘That’s a hurtful thing to say. Are you trying to hurt me right now?’ But not taking things personally from kids is like, a requirement for the job.”
I have success with the ‘how do you think that makes (person) feel?’ Or the ‘can you find a different way of saying that that doesn’t have hurtful language.’ Of the student is more recalcitrant, a simple ‘try again.’ with direct eye contact can be effective. If all that fails, then leave the scene with a statement like ‘that’s unfortunate you felt the need to use that kind of hurtful language. I’d love to keep talking with you, but i can’t if you’re going to talk to me that way..’ walk away or start talking to another student.”
7. Three questions
“Remind them quite calmly that they’re speaking to a human being and that it’s worth considering what they’re about to say by asking themselves three questions: 1. Is it true? 2. Is it necessary? 3. Is it nice? No to any of those questions = don’t say it.
Ignore it.”
“I’m not sure about kids that young, but something I do a lot with middle and high schoolers is just say ok and move on (if it’s towards me, towards other kids requires more attention. I’ve found that most of the time they are just looking for the reaction they get from it and by just saying ok and going back to whatever you were doing before then it really throws them off and suddenly they feel less ok about it. I’ve even had some kids get somewhat embarrassed because they were expecting the class to have a good laugh at my expense but instead they just looked like the jerk that insulted the teacher in front of the whole class.”
8. Model your reaction
“I think that it’s really important to model with kids. When a child insults you, it’s an opportunity to show all the kids how to react to an insult. How would you like to see them react in that same situation?”
“Just an example, but you could stop the class and say ‘Guys, eyes on me for a minute. I want to talk about something. Somebody just told me that I’m chubby and annoying. How do you think that made me feel? Right, that made me feel [how you felt]. Has something like that ever happened to you? How did you feel? What’s a good way to respond? What can you do to make something like this better if you hurt someone’s feelings?’ There’s a million ways to turn it into a teachable moment.”
9. Examine their hurt
“Pull out the healing edge: leaning in ‘Has someone hurt you and made it feel like you have to talk that way, or otherwise you’ll get hurt again?’ Because almost always that’s exactly what has happened. And speaking aloud their wound in front of them will completely flip their world. Either they will stop messing with you because they don’t want their hurt spoken aloud or you’ll find them approaching you after class and maybe bursting into tears as they relate something that has been weighing on them heavily and you’re the first person that has recognized their wound but not stabbed it further.”
