One of the richest men in the history of the world just dropped $50 million on a star-studded, tabloid-topping Italian wedding to kickstart his happily ever after with his soul buddy.
At this tenuous time in world history, with wars, natural and unnatural disasters, political turmoil and economic struggle affecting every corner of the globe, an elegant, powerful and public demonstration of romantic love could be just the thing to lift every human being’s spirits — or, at least, that’s probably what Jeff Bezos and his new wife Lauren Sánchez were telling themselves this past Friday before tying the knot in front of the world’s wealthiest and most famous individuals.
The billionaire and his bride’s three-day wedding extravaganza has dominated celebrity news and social media discussion over the last few days for all the wrong reasons as us peasants ponder the tone-deafness of the most privileged people in history as they flee the country for a lavish party while our government prepares to pass legislation that may unravel our societal foundations.
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But, for those of us who just love to see famous people get everything they could ever want, the Bezos-Sánchez nuptials were a joyous and awe-inspiring occasion — we just worry that the Amazon don will get in trouble with the government for marrying a three-year-old, and a Canadian at that.
In a thread about the stunning bride’s equally stunning resemblance to Kyle Broflovski’s adopted little brother on the South Park subreddit, fans pulled out the appropriate South Park quotes to wish Sánchez and her mega-rich husband many happy returns. “Isn’t she ravishing, so innocent of heart, so strong in body, so hot in the face,” one such South Park viewer chimed in.
While many fans speculated upon the possible plastic surgery operations Sánchez may have undergone to achieve her current look, others questioned whether it’s racist of us to say that she and Ike are doppelgangers — are we just going to say that all Canadians look alike without examining our own biases?
Honestly, considering the recent acrimony between America and its northern neighbor, a wedding between one of our most wealthy and powerful titans of industry and what appears to be a Canadian princess could be just the union to repair our alliance and prevent all the recent cross-border tensions from escalating further. We don’t want President Garrison to go back to the nuclear option, after all.
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