MILWAUKEE—Giving the senator a moment to collect himself, aides reported this week that a sobbing Marco Rubio was refusing to come out of the bathroom stall to give his speech at the Republican National Convention. “Aw, Marco—you know, being vice president isn’t everything,” said Rubio’s chief of staff, Jessica Fernandez, who gingerly knocked on the stall door as the reportedly heartbroken Florida politician cried so hard he could barely breathe. “Look on the bright side—you could still get a Cabinet position, right? You’re amazing, and if they can’t see that, they don’t deserve to have you on their ticket anyway. Donald Trump is not worth your tears, honey. Now splash some water on your face, hold your head high, and get out there and show these delegates what they’re missing.” At press time, Rubio was said to have locked himself back in the stall after seeing how puffy his eyes were from crying.
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