SAUCY SECRETS: I finally slept with the man of my dreams. But then I stuffed up in the most embarrassing way ever. Do you think it’s over?

Dear Jana, 

I’ve developed a very inappropriate crush and it’s kind of embarrassing. I can’t help but find my father-in-law incredibly attractive! I’ve been suggesting visits to my husband’s family more often just to be near him. 

He has this charming George Clooney vibe that makes me feel like I’m the only woman who matters. Sometimes, I even catch him looking my way, and it’s driving me wild. 

Honestly, if he made a move, I think I’d drop my husband – his son – in a heartbeat. I know this could totally wreck the family, but right now, my hormones are completely out of control. How on earth do I get over this intense crush?

Anonymous

 Oh girl,

You need to buy yourself one of those cold plunge baths and dunk yourself in it daily. All this ‘hot under the collar’ business is going to land you in divorce court faster than you can whip your knickers off.

I admit I understand your thirst for a sexy older gent. Just last night, I found myself Googling old clips of Tom Selleck. Good Lord, that moustached man was a sexy DILF. So I get it, I really do.

But your father-in-law is not the one. Those cheeky glances you catch him giving you are just that – glances. Do not act on it. I repeat, do not act on it.

Perhaps your husband will age like a fine George Clooney and only get better with time. He could end up looking as sexy as your FIL, so I would suggest waiting it out and seeing where the cookie crumbles. While your father-in-law may eventually be complaining about bad hips, arthritis, and lack of bowel control, your current husband will be aging like fine wine.

So I suggest pulling back on the visits to your husband’s parents’ house, focusing on your current marriage, and if you need to let off some sexual steam, invest in a good vibrator.

Honestly, like all good crushes, this one will pass.

Dear Jana,

I finally got the opportunity to sleep with the man of my dreams and I think I stuffed it. 

We had the most amazing sex but I had been holding in a fart for the entire night and when I finally ‘peaked’ my bowels decided to follow suite and I let off the biggest, stinkiest fart. The moment was ruined. 

He jumped out of bed and threw the doona up and down trying to air out the room from my thunderous explosion and then told me he had an early meeting the next day and suggested I head home. I was mortified the entire Uber ride home. I haven’t heard from him since. 

Is there a way I can make a joke out of it and bring back that attraction? I really like this guy and would love a second chance but fear I am doomed.

Sarah 

Relationship guru Jana Hocking 

Dear Sarah,

I’m going to be brutally honest with you: there is no coming back. The ‘ick’ was named the ‘ick’ for a reason – it causes a physical reaction. This man jumping out of bed and oh-so-energetically airing out his room means the repulsion was real.

I know it’s ridiculous, because it’s a natural bodily function, but some people (I’ll shamefully admit I’m included) absolutely detest farts. The smell of another person’s anus makes me gag at the thought. So I’m sorry to say it, but it sounds like this guy views farts the same way.

At the end of the day, we’re all going to do something that gives someone the ick. We might have a frightful booger hanging from our nose or food stuck in our teeth, and it will secretly make our date go ‘eww’. 

All we can do is dust ourselves off and move on to the next blasted fish in the sea – hopefully one who finds these kinds of things hilarious. I have friends who purposely fart in front of their partners for a chuckle, so don’t be too disheartened.

Perhaps you’ll run into him later in life, looking smoking hot, and he’ll quickly forget about your toot incident. But for now, I would leave it and look for someone else to date.

The fact that you know he gets turned off easily could be a blessing in disguise. In the fine words of Ariana Grande: ‘Thank you… next!’ 

Dear Jana,

I think I’m hooked on porn. The women are hot and I don’t have to take anyone on expensive dates to get off. But lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m missing out on the real deal. Seeing my mates settle down and start families is making me think I should probably trade in my porn habits and start dating again.

I’ve tried cutting back on the smut, but I didn’t realise how addictive it is and great for filling in time as I live by myself. I’m worried I might have to lower my standards, because let’s be honest, those girls in the videos are way outta my league.

Any advice on how to kick this habit and get back in the game? I don’t want to be the guy who’s always alone on Saturday nights.

Help a guy out.

Steve

Steve, Steve, Steve,

Believe me when I say you’re not alone. I was recently listening to a podcast episode of ‘Diary of a CEO,’ and the hosts Steven Bartlett and James Smith openly discussed how their love of porn made them lose interest in sex with their partners. It’s a growing trend with porn being so readily available at our fingertips thanks to smartphones.

Plus, with the cost of living making it far too expensive to splurge on dates, I can understand how a quick 5-minute clip can satisfy an urge faster than some wining and dining with a potential love interest. But at the end of the day, don’t we all long for physical touch?

I’ll give you the advice that Steven and James recommend – abstain. Yep, go cold turkey from porn for a while and see how your interest in real women suddenly peaks. Plus, you may be surprised to discover that we women can tell when a man has a porn habit.

The girls and I were laughing about it just the other night. One friend admitted that she can tell her husband has been watching it before she sleeps with him because he’ll take forever to cum. We all agreed we’d experienced the same thing.

Jana advises Steve to go cold turkey on his porn addiction 

So remove your favorite porn sites from your search history. Find a distracting hobby to replace those X-rated viewing habits (may I suggest Wordle?) and get creative with some date options that don’t break the bank. Perhaps a picnic at a local beach with a bottle of wine and a cheese platter, or a hike in a national park followed by a coffee at a local cafe.

Oh, and as for having to lower your standards once you leave those hot porn women behind, let me remind you that it goes both ways. If you want to date a hot woman, become a hot bloke. Take that sexual frustration out at the gym, and you may soon discover those hot women will suddenly become ‘in your league’.

So white knuckle that addiction and throw yourself into the real world again. I promise you it can be just as exciting.