Rafael Nadal Withdraws From Wimbledon To Spend More Time Pressing Tennis Racket Against Face To Make Waffle Marks

MANACOR, SPAIN—Expressing regret about missing “the amazing event,” Rafael Nadal announced this week that he has officially withdrawn from Wimbledon in order to spend more time pressing his tennis racket against his face to make waffle marks, adding that he would now be referred to as Waffle Face. “As I near retirement, my team and I believe that the best use of my time right now would be to forgo Wimbledon to focus on smooshing my face with the racket,”said 22-time Grand Slam champion Waffle Face, pressing the nylon strings of his signature Babolat Pure Aero racket hard into his skin as his coach counted to 100. “I hope my fans will understand how important it is that I keep training my face to have a grid on it if I want to retire from tennis with the waffle-faceness that I have worked so hard for to achieve. Sadly, the marks go away after a minute or so, so I must stay in the zone, without any disruption, or else it will go back to being smooth, like a pancake. I do not wish to be a pancake. I am Waffle Face.” At press time, Novak Djokovic also announced his withdrawal from the tournament while holding his racket an inch in front of his face, claiming that he was stuck in jail.