Welcome back, Bachelor Nation!
It’s time for yet another season of the OG, the reality TV GOAT, The Bachelor, with day trader and former basketball player Grant Ellis giving out the roses to a group of women who spend 87.8% of their first night meeting the man talking about their hypothetical wedding and future kids.
Seriously. Take a shot of your favorite beverage whenever someone says, wife or baby. You’ll be in the bathroom by the third commercial break.
One of my favorite things about a new season is the opening montage, and Grant gets a cool one with ‘Whatta Man’ playing while he is in a silly, goofy mood (in the Shemar Moore voice).
We already know from his time on Jenn’s season that he’s a sensitive guy with a big heart, and you can see that in the perfectly scripted scene where he gives his grandmother the first rose of the season.
We love a family man, and Grant’s close with his, even though it appears he and his dad are still rebuilding their relationship.
Grant is so sick of being lonely, and that’s very relatable for all of us singletons. And if Grant is going to cry a lot this season, then I’m going to struggle because there’s something about his sad face that makes me say ‘aw’ audibly, and that’s depressing.
The entrances for this season are actually pretty tame overall. As usual, you can tell who will end up being “important” to the narrative based on how much time they’re given here and who gets the all-important video package!
Rose is first, and given her name, I’d be disappointed if she didn’t have a joke at the ready. After that is Litia, who gets that first video package where she’s with her whole family in Utah, and she’s very clearly going to make it far.
Litia gives Grant a sparkly basketball, and my hopes are so low at this point because a basketball icebreaker with only two girls appearing so far doesn’t bode well for the rest of the night.
Think outside the box, ladies! He must have other interests!
Right on cue, J’Nae channels her inner LeBron with a chalk toss, and did you even think about the fact that he may be a Michael Jordan TRUTHER?!
The next video package goes to Carolina, who seems like a funny girl who really wants to be Grant’s wife. She speaks to him in Spanish, and the words are put on the screen like the opening of Star Wars while Grant stares at her because he has no idea what she’s saying.
Ah, never change limo arrivals.
Dina is a lawyer from Chicago with a big family, and her video package makes her look very lawyer-like. She’s also a strong contender to go far because she’s very chill, and this is a cast full of girls who seem very funny.
There’s a negative way he ends up with a final set of girls who are ALL going to make a killing on TikTok when they get eliminated.
There’s a major lull in the arrivals (I told you it’s lowkey this season!) until Alexe shows up with a llama named Linda. Grant looks scared and amused, and he thinks it’s a donkey at first.
The way they have that llama just casually chilling inside the MANSION the rest of the hour will play on my mind for a long time because I know that filming night is long. Did Linda eat? Did Linda go to the bathroom?
DID YOU LET LINDA REST SOMEWHERE WHILE GRANT WAS KISSING EVERYONE?
Chloie spells her name interestingly. She is a plus-size model in the Big Apple, and her video package is cute. I have no idea if she’ll go far, but she seems sweet.
Bailey is a social media person, and her whole shtick is taking pictures, to the point where they give the woman some kind of burner phone to take photos with Grant all night.
From there, we have a big Grant head, a bottle server with one of those signs you see in the clubs if that’s your thing and a T-shirt launcher that almost knocks out a few unsuspecting girls inside.
With introductions out of the way, the girls and Linda the Llama listen to Grant give his speech about why he’s The Bachelor. He asks the age-old question, “What does love mean to you?”
No one actually answers that question, so that’s lame, but as soon as the champagne slides down Grant’s gullet, Bailey steals him away for the first chat.
She gives him a wig to wear that matches her bob, and it’s honestly the best of all these post-limo arrival chats because they are light and fun. And a producer she probably spent $10 on Amazon for it.
Considering how elaborate some other people are, this is the kind of lowkey first meeting I like to see.
Parisa makes a PowerPoint presentation with questionable photoshopping, and since when is this a thing? I won’t claim to be some archive of Bachelor knowledge, but every girl during these first-night chats seems to have a gimmick.
What happened to just pulling people and telling them about yourself?
Allyshia gets the first Grant kiss after pointedly telling the girls she doesn’t kiss on the first date. The lack of a video package leads me to believe she’ll be an early casualty, even though her claim to fame will be kissing Grant before his future fiancée.
Juliana has an organ and a love of Pop Smoke and Frank Sinatra, which is the same girl. Her video package is all about her big, loving family; we’ll see them during hometowns—that much I can guarantee.
The two kiss and yes, she will be around for a while.
Grant continues to make his way through the girls until a late limo arrives alongside a mystery girl. The woman walks through the house, ignoring all the girls and making a beeline for Grant, which would be funny if it wasn’t obviously his sister.
My first thought when they showed Taylor during the opening was that she would totally fit on a show like this. The show saw the vision as well, so clearly, I was a Bachelor producer in my past life.
Taylor’s presentation to the group blows Parisa’s out of the water, and she then gets to talk to the girls. The whole time, I’m just thinking about Linda the Llama and whether she got to meet Taylor so she could learn more about Grant.
After Allyshia and Juliana, the kissing floodgates stay active, and he smooches Litia, Alexe, Zoe, Rose, and, I believe, the bottle server, Vicky, even though we don’t see their conversation at all.
Alexe leaves Linda the Llama somewhere in that mansion full of people who have certainly never been in the house with a llama, and she and Grant hit it off. She keeps him laughing, which seems to be a theme for the night.
Grant and Zoe talk and smooch while Natalie has Grant doing breathing exercises, and Rose has the man blindfolded so he can mold clay.
The best part of this little mini-date is Rose staying blindfolded the entire time and Grant deciding at some point that he’s just had enough of that.
At some point earlier in the night, Jesse popped out of the shadows to set down the first impression rose, and this year, there’s a twist!
Imagine it was something cool like getting a pass to the top eight or something like that, and how mad everyone would be.
What if I WAS a Bachelor producer in THIS life, guys?
Anyway, it’s time for Grant to give away the first-impression rose!
It’s so funny that he has to grab it from the room with some girls in it, so all the hearts drop simultaneously. Then, he has to walk past another group of girls before he reaches his destination.
Alexe gets the rose, and Linda the Llama did her job of making an impression. Now, it’s time to break some hearts after meeting someone a few hours ago!
The first rose ceremony is always anti-climatic because the first episode establishes the main characters, so they will all be safe in this one. Those with limited screen time won’t even get to see the upstairs of the mansion.
In the end, Christina, J’Nae, Kelsey, Neicey, Radhika, and Savannah don’t get roses and so long ladies. We hardly knew ye.
Everyone who’s left is cheesing and then comes the full-season trailer, full of tears, fights, kisses, exotic locations, and Grant falling in love with two women and being conflicted until the very last moments when he has to decide.
That should be a doozy of a finale for those two women.
I’ll be here all season to chat about things, so please comment below with all your thoughts about this first hour!
You can watch The Bachelor on Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.
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