My wife wants to have more sex. But I’ve discovered a much easier way to get my fix.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I’m in a loving relationship with a woman I absolutely adore. We have sex two to three times a week, and it’s wonderful. But I’ve been using AI tools for masturbation nearly every day. It’s just so easy to explore wacky and fun scenarios (specifically in the fantasy and sci-fi genres) that I’ve found it dividing my attention from my girlfriend. I feel selfish and immature for not giving her all of my desire, and she’s told me she would like to have more sex. I really don’t know how to feel about this. Your perspective would be greatly appreciated.

—AI Sloppy Seconds

Dear AI Sloppy Seconds,

I’m going to circumvent getting into the specific ethics of AI from an environmental/representational level because that’s not really what this column is about. Plus, you’re probably hearing about AI ethical concerns everywhere these days (and if you’ve somehow missed the discourse, you can get up to speed on Slate). I think AI’s only going to become more integrated in our culture, whether we like it or not. So I’m accepting it as a given and treating it here like garden-variety porn, as you’re using it as a masturbation aid and the content is basically immaterial, or at least not nearly as important as its role as said aid.

You are allowed to have a sexual life of your own. Masturbation is healthy and a great way of keeping in touch (literally!) with your own body and sexuality. It becomes problematic when it causes distress and/or is subtractive from your lifestyle. If you had written to say that all of your sexual energy is taken up by your masturbation and porn viewing, and that you and your partner don’t like this, it would be a different issue. However, you are enjoying it and managing to have sex two or three times a week, which is above average. If you were preoccupied by said porn/unable to focus on your partner, again, it would be a different issue, but it seems as though you have struck a balance.

If you think that less masturbation would yield more sex, and you actually want that, then by all means, cut back. You don’t have to abstain. Instead of nearly every day, you could masturbate every other day and see if that increases your energy and desire for partnered sex. Maybe on the days that you are feeling less sexual with your partner, you show up for her anyway and make out with her while she masturbates, give her oral, finger her, use toys on her, or something of the like. Make the session about her, not you. Perhaps there’s some aspect about the fantasies and scenarios you feel comfortable exploring through AI that you can share with your wife, either by viewing/reading porn together or role-playing. But it sounds like you’re having a healthy amount of sex. It could be that you’re at your natural limit for partnered sex, and masturbation is simply not affecting it. Again, experiment. Go a week without masturbating and see if your sex drive for your partner increases. You may surprise yourself, or you might not.

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a 26-year-old single gay man who has recently been dealing with mild prostatitis, of which the only symptom that presents for me is hematospermia (blood in semen). It’s a very small amount of blood, but it means that the majority of my loads have a light pink or red tinge to them. I’m grateful that this is all I’m dealing with, as I’ve come to learn that prostatitis can present some serious, incredibly painful symptoms for people. From a medical point of view, I’m handling it. I’ve got a good urologist, am attending pelvic floor therapy, and am massaging my prostate regularly.

But from a sexual point of view, I’m having a hard time. Cumming is not painful, I’m still horny, and my doc has assured me I should still ejaculate on a semi-regular schedule while I’m working to get this managed. But as a single guy who prefers low-key hookups, I’m struggling to figure out a way to finish with someone without having to explain the whole deal. And while I’ve become accustomed to it, I get that the sight of a red-tinged load of cum is not normal for someone (the first time I saw it myself, I actually fainted!) and isn’t a welcome surprise during climax. Unfortunately, I’m not into orgasm denial/chastity play, and getting off is an important part of a hookup for me if I’m going to have one.

From this, I’m left trying to figure out a way I could possibly hook up with someone (and finish) without them actually seeing my load. Should I make a big deal about being very turned on by cumming on a guy’s backside? Are there ways, both creative and ethical, that I could employ to enjoy some fun with a casual hookup that doesn’t require me to give them a spiel about why they’re seeing what they’re seeing? I’m vers, so I am open to pretty much any suggestion. I’m also on PrEP, vaccinated, and tested regularly—it’s just something about the presence of blood that makes me feel like nondisclosure here is more unethical, somehow. Any guidance is appreciated!

—Overthinking and Horny

Dear Overthinking and Horny,

Your concerns make sense and underscore a paradox of modern gay hook-up culture: We put ourselves in vulnerable positions again and again with strangers who don’t know (or sometimes don’t care) much about us, so they may feel free to dispense their judgment openly, which makes us that much more vulnerable. Your rosé loads could be received by partners with not so much as a shrug, just as easily as they could be regarded with suspicion or even mockery. For you, each shot load is a crapshoot. You could take this as an opportunity: Partners’ reactions will show you whether they’re worth keeping around. You’ll see what they’re made of by what they make of you, to paraphrase Ani DiFranco. Of course, that would mean enduring the bad feedback as well as the good, and it seems like you want to avoid the bad entirely, which is understandable.

Given that hematospermia is generally regarded as benign I don’t think you have too much to worry about in terms of the ethics of disclosure here. Sometimes it’s caused by an STI but you know for a fact that’s not the case here. If it is discovered by your partner, you would definitely want to explain that it’s not the product of an STI, but it makes sense that you want to fly under the radar with your pinkish sperm.

You could come inside of them, whether or not you use condoms. Burying your load is the best way to prevent your partner from seeing its color. Guys who want to be bred typically really want to be bred, so you are unlikely to arouse suspicion. A condom would be even easier to manage, as you can handle the disposal yourself—tie it up, throw it in the trash, and no one is the wiser. And yes, you can pull out and shoot on their backs as well—offer to towel them down yourself after, and, again, handle the disposal.

Given your proactive approach to treatment, it seems like this will be a temporary problem—if nothing else, take solace in that.

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Dear How to Do It,

I’m a 38-year-old man, and my wife and I have recently opened our marriage for casual play. This is working out pretty well, all things considered, but we’re not ready for group play at the moment. My wife thinks that means that we can’t reach out to other couples who are looking to swap because her opinion is that a swap means group play with everyone in the same room. I think it’s more likely that you just swap partners in separate spaces. I know there’s no right or wrong answer here, but what’s the more common interpretation?

—Maximum Occupancy

Dear Maximum Occupancy,

I think your wife’s prediction is more likely to be correct. If you think about the way the greater culture of swinging and polyamory operates, swapping often takes place at parties/clubs, where the action is out in the open. Yes, some parties have private booths or sections where interested people can go for some one-on-one time, but the general vibe is all out in the open. That, of course, allows for people to scope out the action and potentially join. “Open” often has a multipurpose use when describing relationships—it is often taken as meaning not only that you are open to other partners, but open to a lot of different things that you can do with them.

But why leave anything up to assumptions? People have boundaries, and they are best stated upfront. Even if people would normally enter a situation with another couple with the expectation that you all play together (or at least in the same room), you can counter said assumptions by stating your limits and preferences. People will then use that information to determine whether or not they’re willing to hook up with you. There may be couples that you encounter who have a rule that they only play together (in the same room). There may be others who are a bit freer (which is to say: open) and will accept your stated parameters because they’re really into you and want you however they can get you. You can explain to them your reasons for wanting the configurations that you do (you’re new to this, moving slowly, and full-on group play is off the table for the time being) or not. Just be clear and let people respond in kind. You’ll be fine. Certainly, what you are asking for is not unheard of.

—Rich

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