My son just dropped the news that he donated his sperm. It’s given me a brilliant idea.
Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
A week ago, I learned that my 35-year-old son donated sperm to a lesbian couple he’s friends with, and they just had a girl.
He’s not married and has expressed no interest in having children, so this came as a complete shock. My son is an only child, and I have been lamenting the prospect of never having grandchildren. Would it be acceptable if I approached this couple to ask if I can be in my granddaughter’s life?
—Grandma From Afar
Dear Grandma From Afar,
You can reach out if, and only if, you ask your son to ask the moms if they’re interested in connecting with you as a bonus grandma, and they say yes. They might agree. And if they do, this could work out really well. Almost all parents would benefit from having more loving adults in their lives who are willing to be there for their children. But if the three of you do decide you’ll be a part of the kid’s life, you should work hard to clarify expectations about your role. You should be very careful not to suggest that you have some kind of authority over the child because of your biological connection. There are other things to iron out, too: What will you be called? How much do they think they might be in touch with you? Are they open to advice on feeding, sleep, and milestones? Are you going to be visiting when it works for you and enjoying the fun parts of caring for a baby, or showing up as needed and helping out with the hard parts?
That’s all if they’re interested, which is a very big if. Be prepared for the answer to be, “No thanks.” If that’s the case, knowing that there is a child out there who is part of your bloodline and whom you don’t know could be painful, especially because you’d really like to have a grandchild. So have a plan for how you’ll manage those feelings, to best take care of yourself, but also to avoid behaving in a way that causes a rift with your son.
If it’s not in the cards for you to be a grandmother to this particular child, there are other options. Check out one of the groups dedicated to connecting families without local grandparents to people who would like to fill that role (here’s one). Or volunteer with children. Don’t let your son’s choice not to have kids keep you from sharing the nurturing energy you have to give. You could find a really fulfilling relationship with a child who makes you forget that you’re not biologically related.
Also, if any of this doesn’t go the way you would like it to, please make sure not to make your son feel guilty. Think about whether working to deepen your relationship with him might be comforting in some way. I’m sure that when you were raising him, you were often prioritizing the tasks you needed to complete to get through the day. In this era, you can slow down and really enjoy him and his adult personality. I’m struck by the fact that he didn’t tell you about donating sperm until after the birth. That makes me think there’s room for you to express more curiosity about his life, show that you’re a supportive person to talk to, and even have some fun together. While hanging out with an adult son is not going to scratch the same itch as cuddling an adorable baby, it might provide some joy that you didn’t know you were missing.
Classic Prudie
My boyfriend of five years and I recently finished a six-week break from our relationship so that he could work through some of his personal issues and decide whether to take the next step and get married. In a previous conversation, we discussed the difficulty of sexual monogamy, and I mentioned that I would consider letting him sleep with a random stranger once every year or five years to make things easier. Well, during this break, he did just that.
