NEW YORK—Describing the trend as a serious threat to the well-being of local dimwits, New York’s Metropolitan Transportation Authority reported a sharp uptick Thursday in the number of dopey riders who jump in front of trains because they just dropped their lollipop down there and they want to get it back. “We’re seeing a troubling increase in bumbling simpletons clambering down onto the tracks to retrieve an oversized lollipop before a train can smash it to pieces and ruin their special treat,” said MTA CEO Janno Lieber, who noted that these hapless morons often continued blundering around on the tracks even when a train could be heard approaching in the tunnel and commuters on the platform were yelling that there was no time. “Unfortunately, it’s no use trying to hold back these dopes or promise them they can get another, even bigger lollipop later if they just stay put. They’ll only respond, ‘But it’s my lollipop—it’ll get dirty down there!’ and then scramble loose. By the time they pick up the candy and then stand there for several minutes picking off any visible dirt or litter, it’s often too late.” Lieber went on to announce the rollout of a “You’ll Muss Up Your Sailor Suit” safety campaign featuring ads in which terrified nitwits dressed in nautical garb are seen standing in front of a subway’s blazing headlights.
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