Many people were eagerly awaiting Jon Stewart’s rebuttal to the news that his good friend Stephen Colbert’s show, The Late Show, was being canceled by CBS. For those waiting for a total teardown, Stewart didn’t disappoint. He said “go fuck yourself,” and “sack the fuck up,” and to the powerful backing of a gospel backbone, begged American institutions to stop complying in advance.
But the most valuable part of the 11-minute segment was actually a bit of business advice for his parent company, Paramount. “Now, I acknowledge that late-night TV is a struggling financial model,” Stewart joked. “We’re basically operating a Blockbuster kiosk inside of a Tower Records. But when your industry is facing changes, you don’t just call it a day! When CDs stopped selling they didn’t go ‘Oh, well music, it’s been a good run.’”
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“The fact that CBS didn’t try to save their number one rated network late-night franchise, that’s been on the air for over three decades, is part of what’s making everyone wonder — was this purely financial? Or maybe the path of least resistance for your $8 billion merger,” Stewart continued.
Stewart then launched into a little segue about Trump before getting back to his business assessment. “Understand this,” Stewart said. “The shows you now seek to cancel, censor and control — a not insignificant portion of that $8 billion value came from those fucking shows. That’s what made you that money.”
“Shows that say something, shows that take a stand, shows that are unafraid,” Stewart continued, while seeming to shake with rage. “And not to — believe me this is not ‘We speak truth to power.’ We don’t. We speak opinions to television cameras. But we try, we fucking try every night.”
At this point, Stewart picked up his signature lecturing pen.
“If you believe, as corporations or as networks, that you can make yourself so innocuous that you can serve a gruel so flavorless, that you will never again be on the boy king’s radar, A) why will anyone watch you? And B) you are fucking wrong,” Stewart said, to applause.
Then, Stewart recapped the most recent Trump versus media legal battle — one against FOX News and Wall Street Journal owner Rupert Murdoch. “Donald Trump is suing Rupert Murdoch — the man, other than Biden, (who) may be most responsible for getting Trump elected. FOX spends 24 hours a day blowing Trump, and it’s not enough,” Stewart exclaimed. “Imagine suing someone mid-blow.”
There was then a really horrible impersonation of Trump giving directions on fellatio, something we all could have gone without thinking about. But the point far surpassed the deep-throated voice Stewart adopted. It was a real warning for every executive looking to follow the path of least resistance: that path is damned boring. More importantly to their bottom line, there aren’t any viewers down that path.
Whether you’re trying to court the TikTok-addled Gen Zers or the late-night geriatrics, no one is looking to listen to someone who doesn’t have anything to say. You can’t even make mascara haul videos without having strong opinions on which one offers the best lash lift. Who is going to sit around to watch milquetoast thoughts on the most incendiary political figure of the 21st century?
CBS and Paramount will be hard-pressed to find them.
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