Joan shares her grief with the guys

Sleep deprivation, family stress, and the vicissitudes of grief had everyone on The Golden Bachelorette feeling especially emotional this week.

Let’s recap!

It’s morning in the Bachelor mansion, and the men are tired. Like, can barely keep their eyes open tired. There’s so much yawning, you’d think someone dosed their coffee with NyQuil.

“Oh my God, I wish I could just sleeeep!” moans Gary. “Guys are tossing and turning and getting up to go pee, and then there’s snoring.”

As a result, everyone’s a little on edge — specifically about Pascal. Jonathan is annoyed at the Frenchman for not pitching in with the cooking and cleaning — while making sure to eat everything the other guys cook. “I’m a little bit high maintenance,” admits Pascal. “I haven’t done any kind of cooking. It’s not for me.”

According to Gregg, Pascal won’t even let him sleep in their room anymore because of his snoring problem. When Jesse Palmer arrives, the guys continue teasing Pascal, and he good-naturedly defends himself. “I would have thought the mansion would have a housekeeper, a cook,” he says, as the other men roar with laughter. “I’ve got to make my breakfast? I freaked out!”

Welp, at least Pascal is self-aware. Anyhow, the host gives the guys their weekly briefing — two one-on-one dates, and one “really competitive” group date — before dropping off the first date card. And wouldn’t you know it, the first one-on-one of the week goes to…

Félicitations, Pascal! “I’m honored, I’m flattered,” he says. As he reflects on the opportunity, Pascal starts to get emotional. “Being able to be vulnerable, it’s hard for me. This is the greatest opportunity to see if we are a good match.”

Joan picks him up in a snazzy red sports car — and she is not about to let Pascal drive. “I’m in charge here!” she says with a laugh. “I do not want to hear about my driving!”

Producers — and anyone who’s spent five minutes with Pascal — know that the Frenchman loves nice things, so they’ve assigned him a luxury date. He and Joan board a private jet to Las Vegas, where they ride a limo to the Paris hotel and casino (of course). Up in the high roller suite, both Joan and Pascal choose from a variety of glamorous outfits for their night on the town. “I feel like I am in Pretty Woman,” says Pascal with a laugh. That’s right, rose lovers — The Golden Bachelorette is an equal-opportunity objectifier!

Fortunately, the Frenchman ultimately chooses to wear a full suit — midnight blue with black accents — and a shirt. Joan, meanwhile, is having a great time. “Pascal’s just really, really easy to be around,” she says. “I can’t stop smiling… I feel like he’s really interested in me.”

We interrupt this recap for some breaking news. Charles L. and Gary have left the mansion. I repeat, CHARLES L. AND GARY HAVE LEFT THE MANSION!

Oh, phew. They’re just at the local pharmacy buying melatonin, earplugs, cozy blankets, and other sleep aids to help their restless roommates have quieter nights. Godspeed, gentlemen!

Meanwhile, back in Vegas…

Welp, it wouldn’t be a trip to Sin City without a serenade from Wayne Newton, I guess.

Oh boy, rose lovers. The next scene is a real gut-punch. Charles L., the man we all love with the intensity of 1,000 supernovas, is at the mansion dwelling on something that’s been haunting him for the last six years: His wife’s sudden death from a brain aneurysm. He still has questions about how and why her sudden death happened — and he has never received a clear answer on why he saw blood coming from her mouth after she collapsed.

Our sweet, strong Charles L. turns to the one man in the mansion who might be able to help: Guy, the ER doctor.

“When she fell to the ground, she probably bit her tongue,” Guy explains. “That had nothing to do with [the aneurysm].”

The ER doctor assures Charles L. that his questions are not “silly,” because he’s still grieving this unbearable loss. He encourages Charles L. to stop fixating on the why, because there was nothing anyone could have done. Charles is grateful to Guy for his medical knowledge and more importantly, his empathy and support. “It is necessary to share your suffering,” he says. “I’m hopeful to find love through this journey, but in the meantime, I hope I will see a new version of myself.” Oh my God, y’all — this show is RUTHLESS.

Let’s go back to “Paris” before we all pass out from weeping. At dinner, Pascal tells Joan about his difficult childhood, “where money was always an issue.” He and his family lived “six in a room, two in a bed” with no bathroom or shower. When he had a chance to move to the U.S. — not knowing a word of English, mind you — Pascal vowed that he would build a successful, prosperous life for himself. No wonder the dude enjoys the finer things in life, right?

That’s some quality Opening Up™ right there. Speaking of which, back at the mansion, Jonathan just learned that he’s going on the second one-on-one of the week — and he’s actually a little upset!

“I’m emotional because I wanted to go on the group date,” he explains through tears. “Because of the double-edged sword.” In other words, he’s worried that he won’t get a rose and will be sent home. The guys try to encourage him. “She’s going to see a wonderful guy,” says Gregg. He’s not wrong, sir! Try to get a good night’s sleep and everything will feel better in the morning.

Oh, one more thing: Pascal gets the date rose, and then he and Joan share another smooch.

The next day, Chock, Gil, Dan, Charles L., CK, Gregg, Gary, Guy, Kim, Jordan, Mark, and Keith head to Ventura College’s football field for the aforementioned “very competitive” group date.  There they find Joan and two special guests:

The guys, naturally, assume they’ll be playing flag football. But we all know what happens when you assume, rose lovers. The men will be playing a game that involves kicking a ball, but there will be no tackling. Welcome to The Golden Bachelorette Quaker Oats Kickbowl!

Okay, now this is product placement that makes sense. For Pete’s sake, there’s even an old dude on the box.

After the NFL players lead the men through some stretches and practice kicks, the contestants split up into two kickball teams. And we all know the drill: The winning team gets an afterparty, while the losing team goes home “to frozen pizza and tears,” as Palmer puts it.

The game gets off to a raucous start, with the Blue team keeping the red team from scoring a single run. I’m sorry, can we just take a minute to appreciate the fact that as part of the product placement deal, ABC agreed to make Jesse Palmer eat some oatmeal on camera?

Amazing.

Even though this isn’t tackle football, it’s still a very physical game, and injuries are inevitable.

“So many people got hurt today,” says CK. “Quad muscles, hamstrings, shoulders, fingers, but we all laid it all on the line for Joan.”

With the game tied 2-2, it’s time for national treasure Charles L. to step up to the plate. “I hardly understand the rules of this game,” he frets. “But the coach and team members say, ‘Charles, just play!’” And that, rose lovers, is what he does. He gives the ball a kick along the baseline and makes it to first base — which allows Keith to score a run. He is so proud, it’s almost too much to take.

We sure did, you absolute angel. Now go enjoy a piping hot bowl of Quaker Oats!

In the end, the Blue team (Keith, Gary, Dan, Charles L., Jordan, Gil, and Kim) take the W, while the red team goes home to ice their sore muscles. (Dang it, I was hoping Joan would let both teams come to the afterparty, but not this time.)

The cocktail party is literally at the athletic complex, which I appreciate. There’s no reason to be making Joan and her men sit in LA traffic on their way to a second location!

During his one-on-one chat, Charles L. tells Joan about his conversation with Guy, and how helpful it was to him. “Sometimes I blame myself,” he explains. “So, I was so relieved… It changed my life.” He’s emotional, Joan’s emotional, I’m emotional — this show is literally trying to make me cry myself to death. Oh my god, look at them walking back to the group. I CANNOT TAKE IT!

Joan is having fun getting to know the guys, but she’s also a bit distracted. Her 92-year-old mom has been sick for the last few days, and Joan has been on the phone with her and her caretakers to try to figure out what’s wrong. “I’m doing my best to navigate it all,” she says. Gary tells Joan he’ll keep her mom in his prayers, and she thanks him for his positivity. “I love having you around,” says the Golden Bachelorette. OMG, guys, now Gary’s is crying!

This freaking show!

Remember how the show said it was going to “further edit” Gil’s “already limited screen time”? Yeah, they weren’t really able to do that on this date. You see, Gil sits down with Joan for a sincere chat about their family backgrounds, and he tells her about adopting his daughter when she was six months old. Cut to:

Yep, he got the date rose. Moving on!

Here’s something I’d never thought I’d type, rose lovers: The Black Box of Shame™ has officially made its debut on The Golden Bachelorette.

Joan got all the guys massages, and Guy prefers to enjoy his “commando.” You do you, sir!

Anyhow, it’s time for Jonathan’s one-on-one date with Joan. They’re going horseback riding, which would not be Joan’s first choice of activity if she had any control over this “journey.” A horse bit her years ago, so she’s not really a fan. But she’s a good sport, and their ride proceeds without incident.

Oh boy, rose lovers. There’s something going on back at the mansion. It seems that Captain Kim has written a song, and he’s gathered all the men to rehearse so they can perform it for Joan later. While a few guys are into it, the rest of them would rather be doing anything else — napping, preferably. “I just don’t want to sing the song,” says Gary with a sigh.

Rather than stewing about it, Gary and Dan gently suggest to the Captain that the song is his, so he should perform it himself. Kim does NOT love this suggestion. “Beethoven wrote the Fifth Symphony himself, but a whole symphony performed it,” he huffs. “It would sound like crap if Beethoven tried to do the whole thing himself.” That’s right, rose lovers, Kim just kinda compared himself to Beethoven — and I’m here for it. Never change, you adorable grump!

Let’s go back to the date.

Dang, that man is handsome. Since there’s no dinner portion of this date, Jonathan begins Opening Up™ to Joan while the sun is still out. He reveals that nine years ago, his wife woke him up one morning and told him they needed to talk. “She took a deep breath and said, ‘I want a divorce,’” he recalls. “She said, ‘I’m not happy.’”

It was, of course, quite a blow, and Jonathan said he even got emotional about it while preparing his suitcase ahead of this one-on-one date. “I think when I unzipped the suitcase, it reminded me of that, getting out [of my marriage],” he admits, adding that he worries he won’t be enough for her.

The Golden Bachelorette wants Jonathan to know that he is more than enough. “I like you enough that I wanted to take you on a one-on-one date,” she says. “I hope you never, ever feel like you’re not good enough again.” Hell yeah, Joan. Now give that man the rose!

With that, Joan and Jonathan hop back on their horses and head back. On the ride back, Joan keeps seeing hawks circling overhead, and it reminds her of her late husband, John. (After he passed, a hawk frequented their family home, and she and her daughters imagined that it was the spirit of John visiting them.) And so, a date that should have ended on a happy note instead turns very emotional for Joan, as she becomes flooded with memories of John and fears about her mom.

Those feelings are still with the Golden Bachelorette as she arrives for the cocktail party that night. And she’s done tamping those uncomfortable emotions down, because she knows the men deserve to hear how she’s really doing — good or bad.

“I’m committing now, starting today, to be the vulnerable person that I need to be for you all,” she begins. “Being strong is exhausting, and I’m tired.” She goes on to say, through tears, how much she misses her family, how worried she is about her mom, and yes, how much she still longs for John. “People always ask, ‘Are you 100 percent ready to have love in your life?’” she says. “I’m not really, to be honest with you… I want to say I’ll be 100 percent one day, but I might only ever be 90 percent or 80 percent or whatever it is.”

Don’t worry, rose lovers. Joan isn’t giving up on her “journey.” She’s just being extremely real about what a later-in-life love affair might look like. “There will always be a part of John in my heart,” she says. “And I just think you all deserve to know that.”

The men — many of them who lost spouses themselves — completely understand. “That was powerful,” marvels Dan. Adds Gary, “I’d say that we all just grew a lot closer to her in her vulnerability.” (Can you imagine something like this happening on the regular Bachelorette? The men would all be tripping over themselves to blame each other for making the Bachelorette feel bad.)

Chock pulls Joan for a chat first, and really, he just wants her to know how much he appreciates what she said, and that he’s always here if she needs to talk. Gary reads Joan a prayer that he wrote — and had framed — especially for her and her mom, Mary. Charles L. shows Joan a photo of him and his wife, and thanks her thanks Joan for sharing her doubts and sadness, which he understands.

Ugh, these men are so sweet. Why do any of them have to go home? Actually, there’s one man I’d like to see get the boot — and he just arrived.

Oh, FFS. Why is the Golden Bachelor back? Fortunately, Gerry is not here to win Joan back. He just wants to check in and see how her Golden Bachelorette “journey” is going. They commiserate over the challenges of moving forward after the loss of a spouse, and Gerry encourages her to “let the guard down.” Meanwhile, I would encourage Gerry to use a stronger SPF – his sunburned cheeks are stressing me out!

With that, Gerry is gone. And here’s some more good news: Kim finally got someone to sing his song with him!

“We are the mansion men/ the Golden season mansion men/ We’re here to win the heart of Joan,” they croon. It’s a sweet gesture, and it does life Joan’s spirits… just in time for more heartbreak.

Rose ceremony roll call! Guy, Dan, Gary, Jordan, Chock, Charles L., Keith, and Mark join Pascal, Jonathan, and Gil in the Circle of Safety™.  Alas, that means we must say goodbye to CK, Gregg, and Captain Kim. As he says farewell to Joan, Captain Kim whispers, “I would like to be your friend.”

“We are, forever!” she replies. And if you think THAT isn’t heartbreaking enough…

Somebody sedate me dot GIF!!!!!

As Captain Kim gives his exit interview, Guy joins him on the driveway for one last chorus of “Mansion Men.” Oh, my Lord, this show is going to send me to an early grave.

What an emotional week, rose lovers. When you’re done weeping into a pillow, please take a moment and consider a few questions. Do you think Chock is the man to beat? Were you surprised Pascal got a one-on-one? And are you ready to join me in a “Charles L. for Golden Bachelor” campaign now? Let me know your thoughts Twitter @KristenGBaldwin or on Bluesky at @kristengbaldwin.bsky.social.

The Golden Bachelorette airs Wednesdays at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC