Warning: contains spoilers from Season 4 of The Bear.
Since its premiere in 2022, The Bear has won two DGA Awards, five Critics’ Choice Awards, five Golden Globes and 21 Emmys — all in comedy categories. In 2024, Jeremy Allen White beat out Matt Berry from What We Do in the Shadows for the Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series Emmy; at the same ceremony, Liza Colón-Zayas beat Hannah Einbinder from Hacks. The previous year, The Bear was Emmy voters’ choice for Outstanding Comedy Series in 2023, triumphing over shows including Abbott Elementary.
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I’m not sure exactly how the Television Academy, which awards the Emmy, defines a comedy, but one thing will be clear if The Bear submits in those categories next year: It’s not based on how funny they are. As proof, here’s every joke — and, because I’m being generous, seemingly intended laugh line — from the show’s just-dropped fourth season.
Jokes #1 and #2 from Episode One, ‘Groundhogs’
Cicero (Oliver Platt): This clock is displaying 1,440 hours. Anybody know how long that is?
Carmy (White): Three months.
Sydney (Ayo Edebiri) and Natalie (Abby Elliott): Two months.
Carmy: Fuck me.
Oliver: Neph, I don’t know what you’re worse at — math or calling people back.”
* * * * *
Natalie: They’re telling us that we’re gonna have to close the restaurant, because after that point—
Computer (Brian Koppelman): Would be like beating a dead horse.
Cicero: Yeah, like blasting a fucking wet crap all over it before you throw it off a cliff.
Computer: And then running it over with a Panzer tank.
Cicero: Yeah, before you set it on fire and run it through the fucking wood chipper.
Computer: And then scraping it up, then, uh, drowning it, after which—
Sydney: I think we get it.
Jokes #3 and #4 from Episode Two, ‘Soubise’
Pete (Chris Witaske): I saw Francie (who we later see is in Natalie’s phone as Natalie’s phone as “Francine Bitchfuck Betrayer”).
Natalie: ………Where?
Pete: At the gym.
Natalie: Obviously.
* * * * *
Cicero: You gotta be fucking kidding me. (The Tribune’s restaurant critic)’s just some fucking bong hit walking around with like a— What, a fucking magic wand or some shit?
Chi-Chi (Christopher Zucchero): Yeah, do we have to go beat his fucking head in or something?
Chuckie (Paulie James): Yeah, let’s beat this guy’s fucking ass, what are we doing?
Richie (Ebon Moss-Bachrach): Thank you, gentlemen, I will let you know.
Jokes #5, #6 and #7 from Episode Three, ‘Scallop’
Richie: (Michelle) gets out of everything ’cause she’s fucking talented. I should have been a fucking actor.
* * * * *
Cicero: No offense, I think a lot of kids around here are a bunch of fucking JOs, you know? I mean, I didn’t grow up with JOs like that. JOs I grew up with didn’t have any money, you know? We didn’t get a fucking Ferrari when we turned six. Anyway, buddy, I’m real proud that you are not a JO. Here’s an idea: You come outside, you can kick me in the fucking nuts. Right in the dick.
* * * * *
Albert (Rob Reiner): Jesus, you don’t fuck around, do you?
Ebraheim (Edwin Lee Gibson): Not since Kuwait.
Jokes #8 and #9 from Episode Four, ‘Worms’
Sydney: Fifth grade, right? Bet you’re learning geography, right?
TJ (Arion King): Not really.
Sydney: No? Okay. That’s not good. You should— You should know where stuff is.
* * * * *
Adam (Adam Shapiro): How was the hair appointment?
Sydney: It went well, thank you.
Adam: Have you seen Good Hair?
Jokes #10, #11, #12 and #13 from Episode Five, ‘Replicants’
Georgie (Kate Berlant): There’s beer bottles and burnt foil everywhere. Cigarettes, throw-up, which then he tells me, “No, that was— That was there before.”
* * * * *
Chi-Chi: Albert, you look a lot like this asshole I used to know.
Albert: Was his name Albert?
Chi-Chi: Are you an asshole?
Albert: Depends on the day.
* * * * *
Ebraheim: We have the beefs.
Albert: See? You’re already thinking like a— Like an ad agent.
Ebraheim: I’m loving it.
Albert: Well, no, that— You can’t use that. See, that’s McDonald’s.
Ebraheim: Da da da da da.
Albert: Yeah, that’s McDonald’s, “I’m loving it.”
Ebraheim: Eat fresh.
Albert: Well, see, that’s Subway.
Ebraheim: 7-Eleven?
Albert: What are you saying to me?
* * * * *
Richie (holding Natalie’s baby): You know, this is a surprisingly formative period in a person’s life. It’s food for her to be around me and you. You know, absorb some skills, take an interest in productivity. That’s right, Sophie. You don’t look at Chef Carmen, you’ll develop a refrigerator complex.
Carmen: Don’t talk shit to me through the baby.
Jokes #14, #15 and #16 from Episode Six, ‘Sophie’
Luca (Will Poulter): You locked yourself in a fridge, Carm?
Carmy: No. Not intentionally, no.
* * * * *
Sydney (crying): This is so fucking disgusting, sorry.
Claire (Molly Gordon): No, it’s not. You actually look stunning.
* * * * *
Carmy (when Natalie gives him the baby to hold): She’s gonna smell like onions.
Natalie: No, it’s okay. She’s half Berzatto, she’s gonna smell like onions anyway.
Jokes #17 and #18 from Episode Seven, ‘Bears’
Pete: Have you worked with (the Faks) before?
Stevie (John Mulaney): Didn’t feel like work.
* * * * *
Stevie: Lee is a man I’ve met nine times, and I don’t know who he is.
Joke #19 from Episode Eight, ‘Green’
Neil (Matty Matheson) (smelling wine): Skittles.
Jokes #20, #21 and #22 from Episode Nine, ‘Tonnato’
Ted (Ricky Staffieri): This guy’s a pimp. I know money when I see it.
Chuckie: Know money when you see it? What happened with the bouncy house?
* * * * *
Luca: What is “Hoots”?
Marcus (Lionel Boyce): Hooters. It’s (Chester’s) favorite restaurant.
Luca: Yikes.
* * * * *
Computer: Get out of the fucking car.
Cicero: Suck my balls!
Computer: If you get out of the car—
Cicero: No! Suck my fucking balls!
Albert: He made you a great offer. Go suck his balls.
Jokes #23, #24 and #25 from Episode Ten, ‘Goodbye’
Carmy: Can you stop doing that? You’re not good at smoking.
Sydney: I’m gonna get good!
* * * * *
Carmy: I’m retiring.
Richie: Right. You’re retiring? You’re 12.
* * * * *
Richie (on the French Laundry cookbook): Fuckin’ circular stencil? Fuck you.
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