THE HEAVENS—Saying He was surprised and intrigued by the sudden new insight into His divine heritage, the Lord God Almighty told reporters Thursday He had recently learned He was 25% Puerto Rican. “I honestly had no idea, but it turns out My mom’s dad was a Puerto Rican man,” said the Maker of Heaven and Earth, who remarked that He had always wanted to visit Puerto Rico and that discovering he was Boricua would be a great motivator for Him to finally make the trip. “Unfortunately, I know very little about this rich culture I’m a part of, so I have some catching up to do. So far I’ve been listening to a lot of Lin-Manuel Miranda, who I realize is American and wasn’t actually born in Puerto Rico—but I have to start somewhere, and I don’t speak a word of Spanish.” At press time, God had reportedly tried mofongo from a takeout place and declared it “pretty great.”
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