Elmer’s Unveils New Super Sticky Glue Park

WESTERVILLE, OH—Following a ribbon-cutting ceremony and a thunderous round of applause from the thousands of ticket holders lined up to be among the first in line for its rides, the long-awaited Elmer’s Super Sticky Glue Park officially opened to the public Wednesday. “Who’s going to ride Paste Mountain today?” said Elmer’s Products CEO Michael V. Warren, who elicited raucous cheers with his reference to a one-of-a-kind roller coaster that features a 400-foot drop through the viscous, adhesive friction of Elmer’s glue, traveling at a reported 2 miles per hour. “Or maybe you’d rather take things slower with a float down our Extremely Lazy River of Rubber Cement? Before you leave, make sure to visit our IMAX theater for a 3D documentary about Elmer’s that’s so exciting you’ll be glued to the edge of your seat—literally!” Company officials confirmed the theme park also includes a food court that serves the same Elmer’s School Glue that has been enjoyed by children in American classrooms for generations.

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