Biden Told He Won Election As Aide Gently Closes His Eyes

WASHINGTON—Kneeling beside him as he softly stirred, an aide reportedly told President Joe Biden on Thursday that he had won the election and then gently closed his eyes. “It’s okay, Mr. President—all is well in the world, thanks to you,” the White House staffer said as she attempted to fold the president’s hands delicately across his chest and placed a finger across his lips, whispering that it was time to stop fighting now because democracy had been saved. “You did it, sir. The nation is united once again under President Biden. Can you hear that? They’re chanting your name outside. You won in a landslide after Trump finally admitted you were better at golf than him. Shh, shh, shh, you’ve done enough for America today. Now it’s time to get some sleep. You’re going to need a lot of rest for the big inauguration celebration. Time to let go, sir. Good night.” At press time, the president had reportedly uttered, “Why is Gavin Newsom here?” as the aide pressed down harder on his eyelids.

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