“My sister is staring down the barrel of sharing custody of her daughter,” wrote a Cup of Jo reader named Jess. “Losing that time with her currently seems impossible to come to terms with. It would be wonderful to hear how others have found it — the challenges, the practicalities, and (especially) the unexpected joys.” A reader named Sarah then replied, “Oh my goodness, I am facing this issue myself and feeling so lost and heartbroken. Yes, please.”
So! We asked nine divorced women about life with joint custody — the good parts, the tough parts, and what surprised them. Here are their answers (and if you’re up for sharing, we’d love to hear your experiences, too)…
I realized you don’t have to be around 100% of the time to be a good parent:
“I have my seven-year-old son for a week, then a week off. At first, I couldn’t imagine being away from him for so long. But I had a few divorced friends, and they guided me through the grieving process. One friend told me, ‘You can call me day or night, and I’ll be there.’ Gestures like that were my lifeline. Also, for the first time since having my son, I’m experiencing roles outside of caretaking, like being a present friend, a sister, and a 40-something-woman on the dating scene. It’s so much fun. I used to think that a ‘good mother’ was with her kids all the time, but that’s not true. The reality is you can be a present parent and make your child feel loved and secure without being with them 24/7.” — Emily
I found space to explore my queerness:
“We ‘nested’ for the first year — meaning, our kids stayed in the apartment, and my ex and I rented a one-bedroom down the street, where we’d switch off staying when it wasn’t our time with the kids. Leaving my kids — like the actual act of leaving — that first weekend was so hard. I cried hard as I rolled my suitcase down the street. But those blocks of free time turned into moments where I could explore my sexual identity. Having every other weekend to explore this new side of myself, build my queer community, and work on my own healing and growth was the biggest silver lining. I also feel so open with my kids, and we talk about everything — parenting, divorce, sexuality, the world. I think that because they see me being my authentic self, they feel like they can be their authentic selves, too.” — Lexi
I was alone in my house for the first time, ever:
“My divorce came after years of being a ‘married single parent.’ I worked full time and took on the bulk of domestic and caretaking work. I had never been alone in my house EVER! Not even for an hour! So, that first weekend was magical. I slept in. I went for long walks by myself. I ate whatever I wanted (Thai curry) whenever I wanted (9 p.m.) wherever I wanted (in bed, alone)! My baseline for years had been overstimulated, overworked, always multitasking, always putting others first, and operating from a scarcity mindset when it came to time. I’m actually shocked by how little sadness has come with my ‘off’ weekends. Another shock? Feeling closer than ever to my kids, post-divorce. My spouse and I were not aligned on parenting instincts or world views at all, so while it’s hard knowing that they’re getting a very different experience at dad’s house, I finally get to parent how I always dreamed of parenting. This brings so much joy and confidence to my role as a mom.” — Annie
I learned how to drive a tractor and hang shelves:
“There are times when I miss my kids, of course, but I feel alive in a way I haven’t in years. I love seeing my friends more often and trying new hobbies, like taking myself to karaoke! Also, my ex used to do all the house maintenance. Now, on my off days, I’ve learned how to drive a tractor, hang shelves, replace a towel bar, and pressure wash the outside of the house. It feels empowering to learn new skills. I’ve also been relieved to find that in spite of not being around my kids 40% of the time, I feel so, so close to them. I have a lot more mental and physical energy, and we do more fun activities together.” — Melinda, author of Hello, Cruel World! and the newsletter Now What
My female friendships flourished:
“Real talk: I thought I was going to die the first couple times I didn’t have my daughter. I missed her so much and felt gutted not being with her every day. The grieving process was wrenching. Over the years, I found that prioritizing friendship helped the most. Women are often siloed in nuclear families. After my divorce, I was free to spend more time with friends — particularly my best friend, who has been a single mom from day one. This friendship has become the most important adult relationship in my life. We’ve spent major holidays, vacations, and long weekends together with our girls. My daughter and I will drive to my friend’s house on a Thursday night, where we’ll fixed dinner, put the kids in front of a movie, and walk or lie in bed and chat for hours. Our friendship has nourished me more than any romantic relationship ever has. She’s my ‘person.’” — Claire
Mom helping her son through a tough level of Super Mario Land, 1989.
I can be more present with my kids because I get breaks:
“One of the biggest issues in our marriage was the unequal distribution of childcare labor, so when we divorced, I’ll admit, I actually loved that my ex would have to share the time. I felt like ‘Finally, he will know how disruptive kids are to work life; finally, he will feel the pain of the 2:55 p.m. pickup!’ Yes, it was an adjustment. But I had found motherhood all-consuming. Splitting custody made it feel manageable. Also, now when my kids are with me, I’m more present because I know it’s not never-ending. So, I can lock in and be with them, knowing a break is baked in.” — Cindy, author of The Mother Lode
My worst fears didn’t come true:
“I pushed off divorce way too long because of the fear of split custody. I’d play scenes in my head from film and TV — like divorced mothers crying at home without their kids, wondering what their life had become. My kids are seven and 10, and I wondered if could keep it together until my kids turned 18. But then I realized how far off ‘just’ 10 more years was. As soon as we began shared custody, a huge weight lifted. I realized how much anxiety I’d been carrying — not just because parenting demands fell unequally on me, but because I was spending so much time ‘working’ on my marriage and being consumed by those imagined scenarios. Instead, the reality of shared custody is full of relief, optimism, and time to reconnect with friends, myself, creative projects, community and activism. My kids now have a model for what it looks like to go against the grain and create the life you want and need — instead of a model of what it looks like to tough it out for the sake of conforming to what we think a family should look like.” — Amanda, author of Touched Out and the newsletter Mad Women, and co-host of Dire Straights
I go on her school field trips on my ‘off’ days:
“Even though we’ve been co-parenting for a decade, I still feel the duality of loving and grieving my time without my daughter. On my off days, I’ve become more involved in her school, like field trips and extracurricular activities. We also gave her a phone, so she could have autonomy between the houses to speak to the other parent, and I like that we can exchange little texts all week. One of our favorite things is playing New York Times games every morning.” — Marie, author of the newsletter Notes from Marie
Alone time became one of the best parts:
“To my surprise, what I was most of afraid of turned out to be the biggest perk of this 50/50 co-parenting set up. I was terrified of the weekends where I wouldn’t have the kids. I thought I would be miserable, sitting depressed in my apartment. But while I do miss the kids, I am excited to have weekends to myself, to recharge, spend time with friends or simply sit on my couch and read. I had completely forgotten what it felt like to be just me. It’s glorious!” — Tina
Do you share joint custody of your kids? What has your experience been? Any advice you’d share?
P.S. Five things that surprised me about divorce, and the script we used to talk to kids about divorce.
P.P.S. And, on Big Salad, what it felt like to have sex for the first time post-divorce, and how do you know if it’s time to get divorced?
(Photos, from top, by Atolas/Stocksy, Studio Firma/Stocksy, Scott Wolford, Evgenij Yulkin/Stocksy, and Bruce and Rebecca Meissner/Stocksy.)
