Odds are we all have some bad phone habits that aren’t necessarily serving our intimate relationships. But those flaws, like scrolling through social media during time together, for instance, are totally manageable. A partner’s overt secrecy with their device, on the other hand, might warrant some real concern.
Still, experts usually suggest that we almost never check our significant other’s phones if we suspect questionable behavior, however tempting it may be. However, there are certain signs that one can be on the lookout for in order to make an informed decision.
Couples therapist Jonathan Van Viegen, MA MFT, recently shared the 9 phone behaviors that he and his wife “never let happen” in their marriage.
1. Not sharing passwords
Most American couples tend to share passwords within a few months of dating. So if there’s reluctance to share passwords in a long term relationship, this could be a red flag.
2. Hiding their phone
Guess the saying of “if you’ve got nothing to hide, you’ve got nothing to fear” applies here.
3. Keeping phone face down
While it’s completely understandable to turn the phone face down to escape from a barrage of notifications, this could be something to take note of if you suspect your partner isn’t being truthful.
4. Turning body or phone away from you when they’re on it
Again, this isn’t inherently malicious. Perhaps this partner is simply trying to not distract themselves or their loved one. But it takes on new meaning if it’s combined with these other behaviors and it could spell problems.
5. Closing apps or locking phone when you approach them
This one is a lot less ambiguous, as the person is clearly trying to cover up their tracks.
6. New password change
As someone who’s watched my husband get locked out of accounts randomly and have to change his password countless times, I would argue that there are plenty of benign reasons for changing passwords. But again, in combination with other behaviors, I could see how this might get labeled as a red flag.
7. Hot and cold about you touching their phone.
If “sometimes it’s okay, other times it’s met with a big reaction,” then you’ve got yourself a red flag.
8. Gets angry or defensive when approached about their behavior
This is kind of a red flag for nearly any subject. Couples should be able to have difficult conversations. In this case, about the need for privacy. If they are aggressively “protective” about it, partners should maybe be wary.
9. Suddenly highly protective of their phone
If your partner goes from being completely open about sharing their phone to suddenly not wanting you near it, that could be a red flag. Unless of course they are currently trying to plan a surprise party for you (also speaking from experience here).
Van Viegen did add the disclaimer that while this set of rules works for his marriage, he’s not saying that everyone should “follow our example – so you do you. But be reassured knowing that at least one other couple in the world isn’t putting up with these disheartening red flags.”
Solving Trust Issues in Relationships
Of course, for some couples, it might be less about looking for red flags and instead looking for ways to build, or rebuild trust. In another video, Van Viegen breaks down three steps to help with that.
1. Focus on Your Desired Future
Instead of getting stuck in past betrayals or breaches of trust, envision a future where trust is restored. Imagine what relationship would look like “when trust is fully restored,” and look for “small signs” that trust is returning, he advises.
2. Identify Exceptions
“Nothing is all bad all the time. Reflect on those times when trust was felt, even if it was small or brief…By examining these exceptions, you’ll store moments in your memory bank where trust was possible—allowing you to build on those moments,” Van Viegen writes.
3. Measure Your Progress
Get a clear picture of where your relationship currently stands when it comes to trust on a scale of 1-10. And keep asking yourself “On a scale of 1 to 10, how much trust do I feel in my partner right now?” and “What would need to happen to move that number up just one point?” throughout the process. As with most things, recording progress is very helpful.
For more tips like this, give Van Viegen a follow on Instagram here.
